One of the older board members got me in his sights and let go with both barrels. I was stunned.

Worse still, no board member stood up for me. There was fury in the room and I was the target. My ongoing board experience taught me that fiery conflict and misunderstanding was unfortunately entrenched in that board’s culture.

Church Leaders Beware

Conflict in the church is never restricted to boards. It abounds in various arenas, even when you are trying to grow a healthy church. While staff can ease a pastor’s workload, their mistakes and oversights can lead to escalating egos where there is a lack of humility and mediation.

Ongoing battles amongst team members and poor management of conflict can cause discord within the entire church. Believe it or not, there are people who deliberately set out to create trouble in congregations. Their intensity can make World War II look like a pleasant stroll in the park.

3 Levels of Relational Conflict in the Church

Conflicts arise between church leaders, church members, and sometimes both. Not all battles are created equal. There are different levels.

Friendly Fire – This low-level type happens all the time. We apologise, clean up the spilt milk and move on.

Civil War – Well, that escalated quickly! The disagreement has moved to another level and someone wants blood. They are messing with my world and I’m mad and I’m not going to take it anymore.

Armageddon – This is ground zero, the centre of destruction. Someone has decided that the scorched earth policy of Stalin and Hitler has given them a role model of how to end this disagreement. 

Normalise Conflict Resolution in Your Congregation

Conflict happened in Bible days even among the body of Christ. In 1 Corinthians, the apostle Paul is addressing conflicts within the church to restore unity and bring about healthy ways of dealing with the issues at hand. James 4:1-2 says, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”

Believers clashed, and continue to clash, over a number of topics from leadership conflicts to different theological views. So, how should we handle people in conflict?

Conflict management for personal conflicts

Conflict is a clash of desire. Your entire congregation faces some level of it in their daily lives. Talk about it from the pulpit. Get honest and real about it. Help people see how to deal with their hurt feelings, so that when issues arise, they know how to seek biblical conflict resolution.

Conflict management for church leaders

Get ahead of the curve by regularly discussing healthy communication and strategies to prevent conflict with your church staff and leadership team. Leaders are still people in your church communities who need guidance. My questions church boards should ask their pastor can help build a more supportive conversation before tensions escalate.

Inconvenient truths about conflicts

1. They are inevitable

Conflicts in churches are a natural and normal part of life. The New Testament is riddled with them and you’ll find it’s impossible to escape them. Learning to prevent and resolve conflict is an invaluable leadership skill.

2. Symptoms of unfulfilled needs

Conflicts can occur when needs are not being met. In fact, you may occasionally find that the issue causing the conflict in the first place is not the issue. There are other scenarios playing out in that person’s life and their poor behaviour is just symptomatic.

3. Opportunities for growth

OK, I know what you’re thinking. Groan. Not another opportunity for growth. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Disagreements present moments of learning and growth that peace will never grant to us.

4. Sources of stress

The heated moments and uncomfortable encounters amp stress. We lose sleep. We fret. We frown. We burn mental energy framing and reframing the issue, uncertain of our relational stance with others involved.

5. Shape us into skilled leaders

Leaders are refined in moments of battle. When conflict rages the weak fall away and the courageous rise to the occasion of resolving the issue.

How Do People React To Conflict?

Watch: How to Navigate Difficult Church Conversations

Before you work through these steps, watch how I prepare for difficult conversations and approach them with wisdom and tact.

10 Simple Steps to Resolve the Conflict in Your Church

These steps can be utilised to mediate conflict in the church:  

1. Recognise the issues around the conflict. 

2. Spend some time prayerfully answering these questions:

• What am I doing to escalate this situation?
• What do I want for the relationship?
• What do I want for myself?
• What systems and processes are adding to the situation?
• What communication breakdowns have added to the conflict?

3. Select an appropriate time to talk with the person. Allow 30 mins more than what you think you need. There’s nothing worse than having to quickly wrap up a sensitive meeting because of another appointment.

4. Share your concerns but stick to the facts and speak the truth in love. Avoid assumptions. Never question motives. Ensure you specifically define the issues. 

5. Focus on peacemaking by identifying your own contribution to the problem. Own it.

6. Listen carefully to the concerns of the other person. Choose to believe the best about others involved. 

7. Talk through several possible solutions, with ears to solve problems, not add to them.

8. Agree on a mutually acceptable solution.

9.  Agree on how you will measure the implementation of the solution.

10. Phone the person the next day and express your love for them and your desire to resolve all conflict.

How to Handle An Awkward Conversation 

I have written at length about the skills you need to employ when engaging in an awkward conversation. You will find this post helpful when you need to have the chat no one wants to have but everyone needs to have.

Conflicts can arise at any given time between any given person. Having these skills will help you know how to handle conflict and employ successful conflict resolution strategies during an uncomfortable conversation. 

How to Handle Conflict that Remains Unresolved 

If you can respectfully agree to disagree and maintain respect in the relationship, then walk in love and grace.

You will become a bigger leader who can cope with others who hold different opinions. People of God should be biblically faithful to resolve conflicts without becoming unpleasant towards each other.

When open discord is allowed amongst church leadership, it will ultimately lead the church’s health toward decline. Disagreement alone is not a reason to remove a leader. However, if a board member, staff member or key leader persists in destructive behaviour and refuses genuine efforts to resolve the conflict, their place in leadership must be addressed. After a thorough process, exhausting all options and giving appropriate opportunities to change, asking them to step down should be your next step.

When in doubt, ask yourself if you’re living out the Biblical principles of unity found in Ephesians 4. Unity in leadership is non-negotiable.