My friend Dale Sellers remembers a ministry culture in which leaders didn’t talk about their difficult seasons. Competition and comparison made honesty feel risky. If someone knew you were struggling, could you trust what they would do with that knowledge?

In our conversation, Dale connected pastoral isolation with secrecy, shame and difficulty asking for help. His response brings together trusted relationships, ongoing support and the practice he keeps returning to: Sabbath.

I believe pastors need other pastors. Building those friendships means making deliberate room for conversations, meals and connection. We also need space in our week to stop. More information cannot do either of those things for us.

Key Takeaways

• Dale identifies isolation and secrecy as warning signs worth taking seriously.
• Comparison and competition can make pastors reluctant to be honest.
• Conference content needs a pathway into ordinary ministry life.
• Trusted relationships make room for help, prayer and ongoing conversation.
• A genuine weekly day off is the first rhythm Dale would encourage.

Notice What You Feel You Have to Hide

I asked Dale what warning sign concerned him when a pastor was sliding beyond being busy and tired. He immediately spoke about isolation and secrets.

He described finding yourself covering things up, keeping something from your spouse or board, or not knowing how to get help with what is happening. In his own ministry experience, difficult times often stayed unspoken.

most of my ministry life you didn’t tell people what you were working through.
— Dale Sellers

I wouldn’t use that observation to diagnose every private person as burned out. The question is whether privacy has become a place where a struggle stays hidden because I don’t know whom to trust.

Recognising the wider pressures pastors carry can help us find language for a conversation we’ve been avoiding.

Build Trust Beyond Competition and Comparison

Dale remembers younger ministry years shaped by competition. Admitting a problem could feel like handing someone an opportunity to move against you or repeat your story.

That kind of atmosphere teaches leaders to remain guarded. Friendship becomes difficult when every conversation feels like a comparison of results.

He has also seen pastors become more willing to ask for help since the pandemic, including reaching out for counselling and finding somebody they can trust.

a lot of pastors have no close friends.
— Dale Sellers

That observation keeps bringing me back to a practical question: what am I doing to strengthen the friendships I already have? Coffee and meals need a place in ordinary life. I can’t expect a deep relationship to appear instantly when the pressure becomes too much.

Ask What You Need Beyond Another Conference

Dale noticed pastors becoming less inclined to attend conferences. Content was available online, and another download of information didn’t necessarily lead to action after they returned home.

He described the familiar pattern of attending, buying materials and then doing little with them. Some pastors were asking for a different kind of help.

I need someone to walk the walk with me.
— Dale Sellers

As I grew older, I found myself wanting shorter sessions and longer meals at conferences so I could spend time with friends. Dale joked about playing golf. We laughed about skipping a session or two.

The humour pointed to a real need. I could value teaching and still want the unhurried conversations around it. An event might encourage me, while the relationships I keep afterwards help me process what is actually happening.

Leave Breathing Room to Process What You Receive

Dale used a simple picture: a 12-ounce cup cannot hold 64 ounces. Pouring in more doesn’t increase its capacity.

There’s so many conferences have no breathing room in them.
— Dale Sellers

He sees the same problem in preaching when we give people more than they can handle or process. The response isn’t always another session or another set of notes.

Dale explained the shift from 95 Network’s emphasis on content and conferences towards the Renewed Pastor and a year-long coaching pathway. His stated goal was to focus on helping a thousand pastors over ten years.

I hear an emphasis on walking with people over time. My account of Steve Morrison’s recovery journey offers another example of how repeated, personal support mattered beyond a single conversation.

Bring Spiritual Numbness Into an Honest Conversation

Dale spoke about the danger of becoming numb to the Holy Spirit’s direction when overwhelmed, burdened and ashamed. He called a ready response to God’s prompting “reflex obedience”.

We need to always live in reflex obedience.
— Dale Sellers

His concern was that repeated ignoring can leave a leader unsure how to respond. Shame and embarrassment can then draw that person further into isolation.

I value the way conversation with another pastor can open my heart towards the Lord. Fellowship gives us somewhere to speak honestly, pray and hear another perspective.

This is also a place for supportive leadership around the pastor. These questions church boards can ask encourage attention to the person carrying the role. An honest answer needs a relationship capable of receiving it.

Begin With the Rhythm of a Genuine Sabbath

When I asked Dale to name one rhythm for an exhausted pastor to work on first, he gave the answer he has given me many times: Sabbath.

You got to Sabbath.
— Dale Sellers

He described asking conference audiences whether they took a literal day off each week. In his experience, the proportion raising their hands had never exceeded ten per cent. That is his observation from those gatherings, rather than a population-wide research finding.

Dale puts soul care first in the pathway he described.

if you don’t get the soul care right, then honestly John, you’re not going to get any of the other stuff
— Dale Sellers

I’ve seen pastors skip holidays or treat a few days away as their whole annual break. My approach to structuring a pastoral week gives rest an actual place. Begin by looking at whether you have a genuine day off, and have an honest conversation about protecting it.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does pastoral isolation look like in this conversation?

I heard Dale describe hidden struggles, guarded relationships and not knowing how to seek help. I would pay attention when I feel I must conceal what is happening from everyone.

Why might a pastor struggle to trust other pastors?

Dale remembers competition and comparison making openness feel risky. I believe building trust takes repeated contact and a relationship in which difficult things can be heard.

Are conferences still valuable?

I value their teaching and friendships. Dale’s concern is that information alone may not be processed or put into practice without breathing room and ongoing support.

Which rhythm would Dale begin with?

He would begin with Sabbath: a genuine weekly day off. His repeated emphasis prompted me to consider whether rest is actually present in a pastor’s week.

What is one step I can take this week?

I’d contact a trusted pastor and arrange a conversation. I’d also look honestly at my diary and ask whether a real day off has a protected place.

Pastoral isolation deserves more than a passing acknowledgement. Reach towards a trustworthy relationship and make room to stop. The sustainability quiz below can help you reflect on the pace and rhythms you are living with now.