Sometimes Di and I stand in the kitchen and hug. The potatoes can keep boiling. We don’t have to rush on to the next thing. We can just stand there for a while and enjoy being together.

That little moment came to mind when I asked Darren Chapman, founder of The Happy Marriage, what pastors and their spouses should watch for when they start drifting apart. His first example surprised me: he notices that he makes less eye contact with Beck.

Marriage drift is the gradual loss of connection between spouses. It can show up in less eye contact, a little more tension, or fewer honest conversations. You can respond early by making regular time to connect, listening kindly to what’s going on beneath the surface, and talking about the kind of relationship you want to build together.

Key Takeaways

• Notice small changes in how you look at, listen to and talk with each other.
• Make time to connect, whether that’s a regular date night or an unhurried hug in the kitchen.
• Describe how you want your marriage to feel years from now.
• Build emotional closeness by meeting honesty with kindness and curiosity.
• Try a one-word or percentage check-in after a demanding day in ministry.

Notice When You Start Looking Away

I asked Darren what a pastoral couple should watch for before the distance becomes a crisis. He mentioned tension in the air, looking away sooner and being less willing to share what’s going on inside. For him, a change in eye contact is one of the first things he notices.

If I’m not making as much eye contact with my wife and I’m kind of looking away more quickly or I’m not wanting to share from vulnerable places, that’s a real sign that our marriage is being affected by a drift.
— Darren Chapman

When you notice the change, name what you’ve seen without assigning a motive. A question as simple as “Have you felt a bit of distance between us lately?” gives your spouse room to tell you how they’re experiencing it. I’ve written about starting an awkward conversation in a ministry setting. The question at home can be gentler, but it still helps to say what you’ve noticed.

Give Connection Some Unhurried Time

Darren suggested a date night once a week or once a fortnight. The regularity matters. If you only make time when the calendar clears, it’s easy for church meetings and other demands to keep taking the available evenings.

Just get some of those rituals of connection happening on a more regular basis. That’s been a game changer for us.
— Darren Chapman

Then we got onto those hugs in the kitchen. I joked that the potatoes can keep boiling, and I had a word for the younger guys: a long hug doesn’t have to lead to anything else. Enjoy the moment. It’s a small way of paying attention to the person in front of you. If your weeks rarely have room for those moments, it may be time to look at how to lead and still have a life.

Talk About the Marriage You Want in 50 Years

I hadn’t heard many people talk about having a 50-year plan for their marriage. Darren and Beck came to it early in their life together. What mattered was how they wanted to be together over the years.

We said we want to be lovers and best friends the rest of our lives.
— Darren Chapman

I like the feel of that. Planting campuses, writing books or travelling together can all be worthwhile ambitions. But none tells you much about what it will be like to sit across the table from each other. Darren and Beck’s picture gives them a way to talk about disappointments and conflict: are we moving towards the relationship we said we wanted? The picture can change as you do. What you say at 25 may be different from what you say at 45 or 65.

Start With Emotional Closeness

I confessed to Darren that I’ve never particularly liked the word intimacy when it’s used to describe my walk with Jesus. In marriage, though, I like the breadth he gives it. We talked about emotional, spiritual, physical, financial and even recreational closeness. Where do you start when several of those areas feel neglected?

I think the emotional intimacy is the one to really pursue first.
— Darren Chapman

Darren described intimacy as letting your spouse see what’s going on inside you. He also pointed out that for some people, affectionate touch makes it easier to open up. What stays with me is what happens when a spouse does share something vulnerable: kindness and curiosity make it easier to keep talking. You can begin by listening and asking a question about what they’ve just said.

Ask for One Word or a Percentage

One question I find helpful is “Give me one word to describe what you’re feeling this week.” It narrows things down and helps us get past a quick “fine”. Darren shared a percentage check-in he’d picked up from Brené Brown and passed on to couples. Picture arriving home, kids everywhere, and taking 20 seconds in the kitchen to say how much energy each of you has left.

Those little quick check-ins, just like the one you mentioned, can be really helpful.
— Darren Chapman

I can see this working at Sunday lunch, after a board meeting, or when you come home from a challenging hospital visit. Sometimes the honest answer is “I’m flat as a tack. I’m at 20.” Then your spouse knows what you’re carrying, and the two of you can talk about what you each need that evening. It may also help to notice the signs of cumulative fatigue in ministry if you’re repeatedly coming home with very little left.

Choose One Habit You Can Keep

Ask each other what would help you feel more connected this week. It might be sitting down together after dinner, setting aside a fortnightly date, or giving each other a minute to say how Sunday went before you tackle the rest of the day. Start with something you can keep doing in the season you’re actually in.

When you feel close and connected to your spouse, the other ones kind of flow much more naturally and much more easily.
— Darren Chapman

I’ve written about the relentless toll ministry can take. The question I’d add here is what your pace is doing to the relationship you want to enjoy for decades. If you’d like Darren and Beck to help couples in your church, see their marriage enrichment workshops and speaking.

FAQs

What are the early signs of marriage drift?
Look for less eye contact, more tension and a growing reluctance to share what you’re feeling. I’d ask your spouse what they’ve noticed before drawing conclusions about why it’s happening.

What if we don’t have time for a weekly date night?
Try a fortnightly date or find a smaller ritual you can keep. A few unhurried minutes to talk when you get home can be a starting point.

How do we start a 50-year marriage plan?
Ask each other what you want it to feel like to be together in the years ahead. Darren and Beck’s answer was to be lovers and best friends. Find words you would both use.

What can we do when both of us are exhausted?
Start by saying where you’re at. If you’re both running low, talk about what can wait and what would help each of you get through the evening with kindness.